Long absence and other misgivings...

So there's school and full time jobs and independent business ownership and vacations and minivans... I don't really have any excuse other than life. Well that and lack of inspiration. I heard someone say blogging is a discipline. I guess it is. Just like parenting. I mean we all have days we're prouder of than others. Working full time is proving to bring out the later...

There's fourth grade and the two hours of homework... there's the little ones getting used to daycare. There's soccer. There's time for Rob and I... grocery shopping, cleaning, the lawn, a blog, and about a million other things I can't even remember to type right now. I suppose all Mom's feel this way at one time or another. I'm calling upon my faith and the resilience of my children to get through this adjustment. At the end of the day, assuming there is one, everything will be alright.

I caught some part of a sitcom recently where the Mom freaks out about how everything is just spiring downward and all is lost... the camera pans to the kids and even the husband and all appear horrified or dumbstruck by the uncertainty... she quickly realizes it and self corrects. She tells them everything is going to be alright. Everything will be OK. There's a lesson in that.... self affirmation... or positive thinking... or maybe just leading by example... whatever it is, the kids, they need it. Even when you don't feel it. They need to know you're still there and that your fighting the good fight. The last scene in that show, pans to the husband who looks at her and says that everything will be alright. The other lesson. Support. Get it. And if you're not, ask for it.

All we can do as parents is the best we can. The outside influences... the jobs and homework and bills and co-parenting... all of it... must be kept in perspective. Either that, or cry in the shower... sometimes that works, too.

Faith...

I've always relied on it. Clung to it. Lost it from time to time... Faith in love, promises, friendship, truth, what's right. You name it, and faith probably plays a part. I feel the importance of this belief is what gets us through the unsure times. The times you lose something you thought you had. It calms the mystery of that which lies ahead. At least it does for me. I use the word a lot when I parent the children. Have faith. This too, shall pass. Whether it's whining about some perceived injustice or tackling a seemingly insurmountable obstacle, it's a vital part of dealing in this world. They watch you. They learn how to deal with life by the way I deal with it.

There's faith in God, in people, in situations... just about everything I can think of. And, of course, the loss of it. Basically that disappointment of any kind can be made into an opportunity... if you have faith. I suppose I chronicle here tonight this matter to convince myself that I am doing the right thing. That when I'm called upon to lead my children by example, I will not falter. That I do, in fact, have faith... and that they do, too...

My cup runneth over... and other Mother's Day Feelings

Mother's Day has always been a great day for me... I tell the children the story of the day they were born, they give me hand made presents I carefully tuck away to gaze at some time down the road when I can't believe how they grew up right before my eyes... I see my own mother and grandmother usually over brunch of some kind and generally walk around publicly feeling like a part of a pretty cool club, smiling at other mom's and nodding hello... but this year takes the cake.

It began with flowers yesterday afternoon and then a breakfast in bed made by the kiddos... followed by the presentation of home made gifts... a poem from my eldest he requested I read out loud full of beauty and charm, a clay flower pot from my daughter with the promise of filling it with flowers... and smiles all around.

But the greatest gifts were yet to be had. My son had a soccer game in which he expected to score a goal as a "present" to me. He played his heart out. Took a ball hard to the chest, stayed determined to keep himself in play, even lost his shoe at one point and kept playing right though it. When the game was over he walked up to me with tearful eyes and said he was sorry he didn't score a goal for me on Mother's day. I looked at him and said, "I'll take heart like that over a goal any day, kiddo. I'm so proud of you." The twinkle in his eyes and the smile that spread across his lips said it all: 'You love me anyway'. You're damn right I do...

We came home this afternoon and took a long bike ride down the trail. My daughter fell about five minutes into the ride, and after a little coaxing got back up and continued along the path. Well it was such a nice day and the trail was so clear we rode a two towns over before we knew it and decided it best to head back. Well my little kiddo was tired and her knee hurt and she was thirsty and she wanted ice cream and I looked at her and said I have none of those things. We're here. We need to get home and that's just that. What happened next was my other great gift of the day... She just started riding. That's it. All the way home. With determination and purpose and I saw, right then and there, that drive... that willingness to carry on even when the odds were stacked against her... it was huge to me.

I have always carried with me the hope that I might teach my children to persevere. Let's face it, as adults we live with that idea or we slowly spiral downwards... life is tough, but you gotta be tougher... that sort of thing. Well today, I saw that in the kiddos... and man was I proud.

Grace

Grace is one of the traits I admire most in people. Sometimes it's in grand form... fighting cancer, keeping your head up in a tough situation, taking the high road... but many times the beauty of grace is simplistic and brief. Witnessing it is something I take immense pleasure in... but I struggle with how to teach it to the children. It's a difficult thing to point out regularly... as it can be mistaken for kindness, an equally admirable characteristic, but more common and simpler to teach.

I've searched definitions like Webster's on line, http://www.webster-dictionary.net/definition/grace,"The exercise of love, kindness, mercy, favor; disposition to benefit or serve another; favor bestowed or privilege conferred."

Too antiseptic for me... So it seems to me the only way to teach the children to recognize and act with grace is to try to show it as often as possible and point out the examples when they show it and when we see it. I in no way believe this to be easy.

Owning your failures... forgiveness... strength... love... kindness... recognition... patience... it's everything you try to do as a parent... maybe that's why I witness it there. The seasoned mother who can transfer all those traits in a two minute phone message... the father who patiently sets and baits hooks for his young sons untangling lines and teaching instead of fishing himself on a rare day off... the mother who lets her kids "cook" with her for hours even when she's exhausted because she knows it makes them feel like they belong... the parents of the wheelchair bound child who never let her suffer for it because they're too busy taking here everywhere and doing everything with her as if she weren't... the father who coaches three soccer teams for his kids and still manages to compliment another parent for working the concession stand... the parents who's son gets JD but hardly skips a beat with anything he loves to do because they make it their mission in life to do so.

I feel exceptionally blessed to be surrounded by all kinds of graces every day, and even though I don't always succeed I try to emulate them... As far as the teaching children to recognize it, I'm thankful I have more time. It's a difficult lesson.

Sing. Sing a song. Sing out loud. Sing out strong.

Tonight with the little one's in bed I took a rather grown up and unpleasant phone call outside in the driveway. Well, the grown up part is a little debatable... but none the less... when I returned to the house my 7 and 9 year old were sitting in the living room with the TV off and do you know what they were doing? Singing. Just sitting there kind of harmonizing. I stood in the kitchen for a few minutes listening to them talking about the tea they were drinking and singing.

I guess it's moments like that that mean a lot. There's a peacefulness. A hope about their happiness. I would tell you now that although my life is a thousand times busier than it was a year ago, I couldn't be happier. I think as adults we're conditioned to roll through the trials awaiting the glimpses of happiness that appear regularly to let us know it's ok to take a breath... The rest is a mixture of heartbreak, disappointment, challenges and bullshit. That combined with regular doses of mis-interpretation and political maneuvering can make for a bleak existence. Witnessing the singing, or a random act of kindness from the children is renewing on even the toughest of days.

As parents it's easy to overlook such a thing. Or a picture they drew in school. A contest they won. An "A" they got. Even the simple gratitude shown to me by the 4 year old today... she thanked me for calming her down. It was genuine and sincere and I loved how beautiful it was. Getting too wrapped up in the noise of life drowns out the songs. Gotta keep listening for 'em.

chiggity check yoself...

No one ever said parenting was going to be easy. There are those who play up the gratifying elements as you thoughtfully pat your swollen belly with the first one... but after that, there are no punches to be pulled. It's hard hard work.

Parents of blended families have the added challenge of co-parenting with often times less than agreeable non-costodial parents. There are the basic conditions... when to pierce your daughter's ears, soccer season schedules, the importance of homework completion... yearly physicals... and then there are the more difficult issues... discipline, PG-13 movies, bedtimes, what constitutes an appropriate babysitter, an acceptable period of time before introducing the latest girlfriend. Either way, it gets tricker... especially when there is a vast moral difference between you and your ex. Even with the loving support of a dedicated partner the conflicts with the non-costodial parents can be draining. In our case, the moral compass of both the exes points almost 180 degrees opposite our own.

So you stand up for morality and goodness and honesty. All the while trying not to express to your growing children that one of their parents is a stark raving sociopath who directs their energy solely to the gain and benefit of themselves alone. (*counts slowly backwards from 10)...And you pray. Pray that they pick up the good that they can from their brief exchanges every other weekend. Pray that they have an ounce of the common sense you're sure they must have inherited from you... and that the stable home you work so tirelessly to provide wins out.

My money's on the good triumphing over immorality... I've gotta make that bet.

Peace and Quiet

Peace and Quiet. Two of my oldest and dearest friends have been long absent over the past year... At least in the middle of the afternoon. The older ones are at school, the toddler at pre-school, the baby napping, and the dogs tired out from a walk. So many choices to make... Do I nap? Do I blog? Do I clean? Do I poop alone? Or do I just sit and enjoy the brief and fleeting moment that is the sanity of this sunny, springy Monday. Well, for those of you who know me... you know I'm gonna do it all.

blue plate special

So today the recipe for the melting pot went a little something like this...

*breathes deep*

Coffee brews around 6:15am... send text to supervisor to insure appropriate payment for part time job. Find out later supervisor uses cell phone as alarm clock and was awoken by said text... mental cringe.

Anyway, coffee: check. Baby awoke screaming an hour prior to the coffee brewing, so there was an hour or so to fade in and out of the news and cuddle with the dogs before the elder children tumbled out of their rooms...

Kix, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Instant Breakfast, blueberries, strawberries and baby cereal mixed with yogurt... kitchen cleanup #1. Check. Phone calls to potential customers made from the sanctity of my 10 year old Honda, a.k.a. "office". Check.

Invite from friends to lunch at the best taco joint in town... ummm... YES PLEASE. But first... meatball making with the girls... Pork, Beef, roasted garlic, chives, parmesan, and little hands to do the mushing and rolling... perfect. I'm not advocating child labor, but they do make perfect meatballs. That, and cooking with the children is literally one of my favorite things on earth to do.... Lunch for children, and kitchen cleanup #2... check.

Shower prior to lunch with friends, sadly no... meatballs took longer than expected... teeth, blush, and new lipgloss almost make it look like I did though... Check.

Put baby down, and beg children to get dressed and go outside PUH-lease! It's 75 degrees! Check.

Then organizing weekend last minute charity fundraiser, about a dozen Capri Suns, deli sandwiches, work, and soccer practices later, there's baths, showers, a movie with the older ones... check.

And finally, a bottle of Turn Me Red, snuggle time with the man...whom, by the way, this day would not have been possible without... and at long last, a shower...

And it's only 12:15am the next day...

A long recipe? Yup. A happy family? Yup. Doin it all again in 6 more hours? You can bet on it.

the pendulum always swings back...

Yesterday was a day for taking stock... and while I typically try to employ some humor in these posts, I'm not sure if it fits. In the morning after getting the school-aged children up and out the door I drove to visit my very new baby cousin... who is beautiful in every way. Not only was he graced with an indescribably lovely baby cry in the key of C, he is all kinds of beautiful born to beautiful parents who couldn't be prouder. He will don carefully chosen clothing to leave the hospital in his expertly installed car seat where a warm stable home awaits filled with love and acceptance. I cried on the way home. I cried for his blessings... and for my own. I hope his future is filled with all the grace and love his brand new life deserves.

I went to work this same afternoon in a very different environment. I was awaiting dismissal and listening to a sweet little boy talking to his teacher and thinking on that sweetness when he casually mentions this sentence as if he's discussing weekend plans:

9 year old: "We're moving."

teacher: "You are?"

9 year old: "My Dad and I live with my Grandma and the house is going into foreclosure so we can't stay."

teacher: "Oh."

That was the exchange. So matter of fact. I had to step into the classroom because I felt like I got punched in the stomach. The vagary of it all. The fact that a nine year old was aware of "foreclosure"... the fact that the teacher's reaction was the same as it might have been when he heard the lunch specials earlier that day... it just floored me.

I guess it was just a wake up call. That everyone has their problems... and that I can't save them all. I wondered if I would ever develop that type of callous the teacher seemed to show... or if that was even what I witnessed... maybe it was just the well crafted response of a bleeding heart like mine. Maybe I'll have a response like that someday, too.

Bah... I'm not a judge of anything... except for who actually started the fight in the bathroom last night while brushing their teeth. Or who was actually playing with the DSi first. I should be so privileged.

So I'll just send a silent message that stability finds that family and all the other ones like that and worse... and try to roll through my own with a little more grace and candor... at least until the next fight breaks out...

are we there yet???

By it's very definition a long day suggests a period of time longer even more tedious than the descriptor initially expected. I used to use this term loosely referencing a trying eight hour day at the office including a few Neanderthals and egos the size of mountains... or maybe a family gathering involving forced smiles and wishful suggestions of places for one's head under my breath...

This was before the blending... before the drop-offs and errands, and pick-ups and cookie baking. Before the snacks in the car, and gearing 3 kids up for soccer simultaneously while dragging a toddler along. My eldest literally went up 3 shoe sizes since fall soccer. This means men's 9 at 9 years old. This quickly translated to $75 cleats in lieu of the $20 kid's cleats... but don't worry...we still bought two of those... in pink. Then there's shin guards and socks and shorts and slides and Underarmor...

Oh, then another store for the twin's birthday presents, Easter outfits and more shoes... the metallic and gem covered dress up kind I am certain will initiate a barrage of "my feet hurt" comments upon first wear. Dammit if they aren't adorable though. I'd wear em. Speaking of which, what the hell am I going to wear for Easter? My wardrobe leans heavily from business casual to grocery store and gym worthy... I'm sure there's something black though... maybe it will pass as chic... probably not.

Then dash to soccer practice, back home to let the old dog and puppy out... and yes, there was Mc Donald's in the car... Now I've got a pile of laundry, a dirty kitchen floor, and a man due home in 30 minutes. How can I type this blog? Multitasking in my favorite spot. The reason I was recently gifted a new laptop... so I could close the door to the bathroom and be alone for 20 minutes... which by the way are almost up.

Some day off, huh? Tomorrow will most certainly hold a brighter itinerary... soccer practice for the littler one, birthday party for the twins, birthday dinner for my grandma, laundry, puppy poop, baby poop, temper tantrums, more eating in the car... I've got big hopes for a shower... maybe, if I could find a waterproof case for my Macbook, I could even get another blog written... hummm....

and then there were two..

This morning my two natural born children went to spend the night with their dad, my man on his second 16 hour shift day left just me and the babies... this guarantees a few things...

First, a shower. For me, and me alone... hot... with shaving and exfoliating, and conditioning resulting in full make-up and killer hair... you know, the kind that looks like you just finished a sexy little romp and a ride in a convertible... (not that I can't rock the rolled out of bed and blew out my bangs for effect...).


Cleaned and primped I then get to catch up on blogs and Facebook, spend an hour with my love, a leisurely shopping excursion for random items... new bath toys, bread, and take-out... all the while toting 2 children, one of whom has a 10 word vocabulary.

When they're parceled like that they're individual personalities sparkle... they're agreeable and inquisitive... cuddly and complimentary. It's why I stagger bedtimes during the week. It gives me a half hour or so with each one to just be them... a very dear cousin reminded me of what I believe to be the ultimate goal in small people development... "I exist as I am. That is enough." Mr. Whitman had it right... and I'm still trying... but I hope all my kiddos feel it.


Top it all off with SNL and Diet Coke and I'm a happy girl. Just need it to be 5am so I can get a little snuggle time in before the baby wakes up...

Sometimes, you just order Thai...

Monday there was life... mine anyway... running around... cooking something yummy... setting up for the most recent charity event... addressing a crowd of 450 people... talking about the Oscars... feeding children, doing laundry, cleaning up puppy pee... and then there was the added bonus... wearing heels for the first time in about six months, almost getting a speeding ticket, and the 9 year old getting caught passing a note in class. Now it's not unusual for a kid to get in a little trouble from time to time... I understand... I passed notes... but when I got caught I had to take the punishment... write 25 times "I will not pass notes in class"... and yes, I did purposefully leave a space between the "p" and the "ass" to be a jerk... but that was it...

My nine year old decided he would deflect the punishment by telling his teacher that he "wished he wasn't here anymore"... and "it would be easier for everyone if he were gone". This of course did not fare well for him. Or me. Instead of getting ready for the event I had that evening, I sat with him in the Principal's office assuring them he was not suicidal and did not understand the gravity of the statements.

All is well by today, order had been restored and all I had today was a puking seven year old and an injured man... oh, and the rest of the stuff that goes along with my life. She puked off the side of the bunk bed... narrowly missing the nine and four year old's bunks... so they're on the couch... and she's quarantined... now it's all about minimizing exposure. It's gonna be a long night...

12 hours 6 kids...

We had a house full today...six kids ranging from 10 years to 16 months... for 12 full hours. There were also 2 dogs ranging from 6 years to 6 months... one bloody nose, one bitten cheek, from the 15 month old... not one of the dogs... two poopy diapers, 2 gallons of milk, 2 puppy accidents, and we managed to get ready for a grown-up fundraiser tomorrow. Did I mention the parents are both ill? Massive sinus colds.

The baby was out of sorts... too much commotion I guess... the 4 year old not wanting to share her 2 half brothers with her new roommates... and to top it all off, it rained... all day.

So they wii-ed and watched movies and colored and trashed the playroom... which they did a great job of cleaning up, by the way... made their own pizzas and read books. We heard the words "I'm bored" about 25 times, and the words "they're not letting me play!" at least 50 times, but in the end... it was a good day... at least that's what the video camera will show...

I suppose I'm just proud of they way they're all willing to adjust. Share their space, they're possessions, their parents... it can't be easy.

So for tonight, I hope these colds go away... and the puppy holds it all night... and the baby wakes up before I really fall asleep, and that the minds of all those great kiddos are dreaming beautiful dreams knowing they are loved.

So today I was at work... I manage a tutoring program at a few local schools... and it was shopping day. The kids earn tokens for their work and every few weeks the get the chance to spend them... They are given the choice to spend the 90 some tokens they had accrued or keep saving them to earn a Border's gift card. They average about 7, so most of them spend. This one girl today was so excited to save... Boarder's is her favorite store.

All of a sudden, she looks at me and says, "I'm moving"... as it's something she's just recalled. I ask her when, and she says "today... after tutoring". I question her about the date but she's adamant. She cashes in her tokens and returns to her seat.

When Mom comes to pick her up she's hurried... almost desperate... asks if she can take her daughter early since they're moving... now.

It's all I can think about. Why the sudden move? Are they in danger? Do they owe money? Is the little girl going to be ok? Everyone has a certain amount of shaky ground to walk from time to time... money problems, personal drama... but something just made me sad... maybe she remembered to say good bye to her friends... maybe not.

Either way, I wonder what she'll have to endure... what she already has... I hope she finds her way to peace.

i had to laugh...

Some of you may not be aware, but when you buy half a dozen bottles of wine at a major chain grocery store they lift the lid of that bagging carousel and inside are re-usable grocery bags with bottle separators... which they give to you...

Another nuance is that if that same order also contains baby Motrin, instant breakfast, a five pound bag of potatoes, a steam vaporizer, and Children's cold strips, not only do they give you the bag for free, they ask you for i.d... as if to say, 'there's no way in hell your under 21, but you look like you could use a break.'

So tonight, I toast the check out lady who made my day... the vaporizers have been activated, the meds dispensed, the dogs let out, the kitchen cleaned, the stew put away, the laundry started, and now... on to the extra-curriculars... which will most likely include one of the bottles of wine.

as good a start as any...

One thing to understand about this blog is that there will most likely be absolutely no continuity whatsoever... there will also be multiple entries in one day...possibly unexplained absences... and most certainly too many points of ellipsis... I promise to keep spelling and grammar issues to a minimum (holds three fingers up in true Girl Scout pledge).

To be blunt, and I mean that... if you would have told me two years ago any of the events I am to chronicle here were going to unfold, I'd have laughed, no, guffawed at the mere thought.  (To be clear, I hate the word mere... it's so vague and bland... like plain rice... blech.)


Hummm... there's a point here, I'm sure of it... oh, right.  The chitlins... or children... babies... blessings... brats... spawns... superstars... heartbreakers, or highlights-of-my-existence.  There are 6...and before you ask, no, I did not bare all of them personally, although sitting here on the couch with no bra my chest and belly might suggest otherwise... 


Did I mention there'd be run-on sentences?  


So then... as I was saying... and then there were six...  and this is my idea of written therapy.  Feel free to use it to laugh at, cry about, or sit slack-jawed in the wonderment I find pretty frequently amidst the chaos...oh wait... that last one's me.